I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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