its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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