Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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