oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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