Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
