my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
3pm strippers are depressing
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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