he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
