The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
another moral hangover. fuck.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
