You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
