matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
