Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
