How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
