Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
