I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
