I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
