if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
