So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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