NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
