I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
