What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Let's get the cat blown out
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
