My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
