I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
