Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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