I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
