My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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