afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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