i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
