The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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