i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I want a musical about memes.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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