I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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