M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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