had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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