i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Less talking, more tequila
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
