separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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