No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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