I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
