He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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