Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
