No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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