Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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