Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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