if you like me you must not know who I am
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
