she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
