I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
