God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I enjoy the company of your penis
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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