Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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