This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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