Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
