I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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