this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
