I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
